Why P&O's Britannia is quintessentially British
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'There has never been a better time to say you're British,' says David Dingle, Chairman of Carnival Cruises, as he welcomes the first wide-eyed guests on board the Britannia.
'Over last few years this country has gained a new confidence, and there are very few places where the British flag doesn't fly proudly.'
As Her Majesty the Queen christened Britain's largest cruise liner and a Nebuchadnezzar of Wiston Estate Sussex sparkling wine ceremoniously smashed against its hull, P&O presented their proud vision of a contemporary Britain.
The much lauded £473million vessel, emblazoned with a 308-ft long Union Jack - the largest ever painted - on its bow, certainly yells 'Best of British'. But is being a Briton abroad something to shout about? I'm hoping a night on board will enlighten me.
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As Her Majesty the Queen christened Britain's largest cruise liner and a Nebuchadnezzar of Wiston Estate Sussex sparkling wine ceremoniously smashed against its hull, P&O presented their proud vision of a contemporary Britain
As I board the a 3,600-passenger behemoth, I'm pleasantly surprised by the classiness of it all: silvers, blues, sands make up the palette, stairwells stun and the lifts are remarkably fast (so far, so un cruise).
Not so pleasant, is the slight whiff of chemical toilets, which take me back to my camping days (it turns out, according to my sources, there was a minor panic involving one blocked toilet, which thankfully was resolved before the Queen arrived).
The interiors, created by Richmond International, proud designers of hotels such as the Four Seasons and the Langham, have all the glamour and chintz of these top London haunts, and are a world away from the some gaudy cruise ships. The lights are dimmer; it's more Farrow and Ball than flouro horror.
The execs behind the Britannia certainly pride themselves appealing to the British holidaymaker. An immensely hard-working 1350-strong staff, though predominantly non-British, are prepped in everything from how to speak, to the kind of understated service favoured by Britons.
'We're in step with everything from British vocabulary to the way British people think, and British ideals of service,' says Dingle.
The execs behind the Britannia certainly pride themselves appealing to the British holidaymaker. An immensely hard-working 1350-strong staff, though predominantly non-British, are prepped in everything from how to speak, to the kind of understated service favoured by Britons
The three-tiered atrium is clad in art deco and features the Starburst - a chandelier, described by Rob Brydon as one of 'Beyonce's earrings'
It's hard not to draw comparisons to that other big ship which launched here over a century ago, hyped as the world's most fantastic cruise liner.
Especially as I can see the spot she set sail from my window. The pomp and excited whispers have certainly returned, and expectations are perhaps unfeasibly high.
My first port of call is the bar: There are 70 different beers from 56 UK counties served at the ship's obligatory pub, Brodie's bar - so many in fact that the barman struggles to find the one I order.
A compact - but tres chic - twin double cabin on board The Britannia features plump pillows, fluffy towels and geometric jesmonite artworks
In the library, fans of royalty will find plenty of material, with a whole shelf dedicated to Britain's monarchy, including Prince Harry's biography
Next, I find my compact - but tres chic - twin double cabin. The plump white pillows, fluffy towels and balcony for sea views (or over grey Southampton) are pleasaing. I count nine shades of beige. But on closer inspection it's olive green, duck egg and sand too. It may be veering towards an estate agent's dream; but there's incredible attention to detail.
Polite signs pop up everywhere, requesting that I 'please refrain from flushing while still seated' on the lav, or please wash my hands for the full 20 seconds. So polite, that I'm only slightly irked by the fact that my hairdryer doesn't plug in, and the shower is a mere trickle.
I walk the length of the ship. At its core is the atrium, a magnificent, if muted, three-tiered central area clad in art deco, all classy carpet and chairs and the Starburst - a huge modern day chandelier, described by Rob Brydon during his welcome speech as one of 'Beyonce's earrings'.
The vessel is 1,082ft long and has 15 passenger decks, 13 bars and 13 places to eat.Its four engines generate up to 84,000 horsepower, with a top cruise speed of 22 knots (more than 25mph)
There are 70 different beers from 56 UK counties served at the ship's pub, Brodie's bar, and 20 types of gin at the top floor Crow's Nest bar
Meanwhile, the library certainly knows its audience; with a whole shelf on royal books alone and biographies of Wilbur Smith and Churchill.
Once the mind is fed, there are thirteen places to eat and thirteen places to drink; from the ethereal Epicurian, where VIPs can perch on mint green velvet in private booths, to football on the big screen and pints clattering in Brodie's pub.
The Crow's Nest, on the top floor, is decked out with gold window beams, chandeliers and neutral leather chairs. There's a gold telescope and 20 types of gin - including dark chocolate flavour.
When she sails, guests will get the chance to sample cuisine by P&O's 'Food Heroes': TV chef James Martin, Marco Pierre White, Atul Kochar, patissier Eric Lanlard and wine buff Olly Smith.
The Food Heroes, from left: Wine buff Olly Smith, Patissier Eric Landlard, James Martin, Marco Pierre White and Michelin starred Atul Kochhar
From left: Tikka Makhan Masala with spiced tomato foam, kachumber and cree by Atul Kochar; bourbon whisky and vanilla cured salmon, Exmoor caviar and Morecambe Bay shrimp with pickled cucumber ketchup, ginger and tapioca beetroot rye crisps by James Martin; A selection of treats by Eric Lanlard
There's a huge emphasis on delicious, classic food. Martin says: 'We've absolutely raised our game. Every detail is meticulous, and it's amazing to see 230 chefs working in unison'.Dinner is at the British sounding Oriental restaurant: it has a stately air, and tables offer guests the chance to socialise as well as privacy.
Tonight, guests are served up a chicken Tikka Makhan Masala with spiced tomato foam, kachumber and cree, by Atul Kochar, a bourbon whisky and vanilla cured salmon, Exmoor caviar and Morecambe Bay shrimp with pickled cucumber ketchup, ginger and tapioca beetroot rye crisps by James Martin and a Romney salt marsh lamb loin Dijonnaise with slow cooked madeira infused lamb and creamed truffle potato croustade, buttered samphire and orange curd baby carrots by Marco Pierre White.
Bemusingly, my vegetarian fare comes without the endorsement of any of the heroes - and it also arrives a good half an hour late and luke warm - but the presentation is splendid, a testament to the 230 hard-working chefs toiling away backstage.
The couple at the next table bandy around some cross words about the so-called 'flavourless salmon' and I rather wish they'd employ some typically British reserve.
The elegant Epricurean restaurant is a new feature for P&O featuring mint green velvet in private booths
The art on board is marvelous: Ninety per cent of it is created women, and there's a softness to it, from Fenella Elms' porcelain drops in the Oasis Spa, to the textile art of Ptolemy Mann.
Its themes are texture, music and the ocean, and though the artists come from far and wide, the work is mostly produced in the UK. I'm told the Queen received her own piece to take home after naming the ship.
Tom Tempest-Radford, who spent around £2 million commissioning the 8,000 pieces, tells me the sculptures in the room - a triptych of three geometric ceramic squares is made of jesmonite - light enough to have in every room and not affect the weight of the ship.
There are 8,000 pieces of art on board Britannia, created by a predominantly British - and female - sculptors, painters and ceramicists
An eye for detail: The Crow's Nest bar, on the top floor, is decked out with gold window beams, chandeliers and a gold telescope
After dinner, I could quite easily retire, perfectly sated and looking forward to sinking into my comfortable bed.
But I do what any good Briton abroad does, and head out for a drink. While the Limelight Club caters for a sedate post dinner amaretto, those wanting to loosen their tie and burn off a few calories should head to the Live lounge bar, where a DJ plays dancefloor fillers and everyone from the young and agile, to a couple of care-free octogenarians enjoy a post-dinner boogie.
For all it's talk of 'Best of British' - real Britishness can be found here, badly dancing after one too many British sparkling wines.
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