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It is the news we have all been waiting for. That renowned flag-bearer for the aviation industry, Ryanair, is planning to branch out into the world of package holidays.

This famed Irish purveyor of 'low-cost' travel has revealed that the grand concept of 'Ryanair Holidays' may be only a half-decade away.

'If it becomes Ryanair Holidays at a point in time, it is a logical way for the brand to go,' the airline's chief marketing officer Kenny Jacobs said earlier this week.

'I can see us launching this in the next five years.'

We're all going on a Ryanair Holiday, no more worries for a week or two: Although not for the next five years

On the off-chance that you can't wait that long for the tantalising prospect of a Ryanair-assisted escape to a sunny destination (or an east European city you haven't heard of), here is a preview of what we may (as in won't at all, really. Because this is satire) all be able to look forward to.

It will be the best thing ever. Seriously, 2019 cannot come soon enough.

(1) Hotel rooms from just £6.99 a night*

Just look at those eye-catching prices. Amazing, incredible, excellent value for money.

And definitely a fair reflection of the true cost of the room. You just need to click through these next seven pages of terms and conditions. Oh, and there may be a couple of little extra fees that bring the price up to £79.99 a night. Oh, and if you could just add in your contact details here, and tick those boxes there, and that's it – a bargain £111.99 a night.

(2) Exciting ways to pay

Did we say £111.99 a night?

Sorry, that price only applies if you are paying with the Angolan kwanza or the Mozambique metical (sorry, cash please, notes only). Or if you are using the Super-Duper Ryanair Hotel Cashcard, which is available from literally some outlets in some places.

If you want to use a credit or debit card, we're afraid that there will be a tiny additional charge of £27.99 per booking. Thank you for your understanding.

A nice man who will definitely sell you a great holiday. And definitely won't refer to you as an 'idiot'. Oh no

(3) Early-bird check-in times

To enjoy our hotel rooms from £6.99* a night, you will need to check in at the hotel at 4:20am, ahead of being allowed into your room at 6:20am.

This is due to the hotels being inflexible in their rules, and charging extortionate fees that are completely beyond our control. Check-in at 2pm is available for a discreet extra fee of £49.99 each

(4) Another teensy-weensy additional cost for checking in

And it really will be teensy-weensy. Just £25.99 (per person, rather than per room. Sorry about that).

This is due to the endlessly high cost of running a front desk at a hotel (those little pens with the hotel name written on them do not – we're afraid – pay for themselves). You can, of course, avoid this almost unnoticeable charge by downloading your own room key onto a piece of paper and bringing it with you. Do not lose your paper key. There will a charge for losing your paper key – and a personal telling-off from the chief executive.

Which way to Las Ramblas, mate? Some hotels may be closer to the centre of Barcelona than others

(5) A miniscule extra fee for luggage

Bags are heavy. Carrying a full suitcase along a hotel corridor causes a lot of wear and tear to the fabric of the carpets – especially if you are staying at one of those posh hotels where a nice man in a smart uniform wheels your bag to your room on a trolley, just six hours after you have arrived.

With this in mind, there will be an extra fee of just £29.99 per bag (on check-in, and on check-out) to ensure that the hotel carpets do not have holes in them. You can avoid this charge by travelling stress-free, carrying just a convenient purse filled with air.

(6) Hotels in not-at-all-misleading places

There will be lots of splendid hotels in lots of brilliant locations – some as close to the city centre as 70 miles away. Book ahead now for first-rate properties in Barcelona (Reus or Girona), Munich (Memmingen) and Venice (Treviso). Other possibilities may include Amsterdam (Beijing), Madrid (Leicester), Prague (Southampton) and Bratislava (Mars).

(7) Endless chances to win, win, win

The phone in your room may ring at 3am. 'Hello. Can I interest you in a scratchcard?' Would you like a scratchcard? Buy a scratchcard and you can win another scratchcard'.

We're all on our way to Munich. Or, at least, an airport that is close to Munich. Depending on you define 'close'

(8) Lovely, comfortable, luxury beds

Due to cost constraints and an unfailing commitment to competitive pricing, all beds will be an extremely generous three inches wide by four inches long. The bed of the next hotel guest may be directly in front of your bed. This will not affect the quality of your holiday.

(9) Entertaining music on check-out

Once your holiday is over, just as you are leaving the hotel, you will be treated to an in-no-way-annoying tootling of trumpets and the announcement that: 'You have enjoyed another on-time Ryanair holiday. Last year, 98 per cent of all Ryanair holidays were on time. They were all great, and nobody had any complaints, concerns, gripes or quibbles.'

(10) Hugely helpful and friendly staff

Ryanair chief executive Michael O'Leary once described passengers who fail or forget to print out their own boarding passes as 'idiots' who should 'b***** off'. All hotel staff on Ryanair Holidays will work to similar levels of courtesy, politeness and professionalism.

Of course, now that Ryanair has rebranded as a cuddly-wuddly airline, and Mr O'Leary has said that 'being nice to our customers is a new and winning strategy', all holidays will be gold-plated, wondrous experiences. Oh why must we wait five years, Michael? Why?